I’ve always hated growing apart from people. You end up becoming two completely different individuals and it gets to a point where you just don’t meet eachother halfway anymore. You value different things and your tastes end up colliding. It’s not fair sometimes. Because nomatter how much you wish it didn’t turn out this way, the reality is that it is what it is. Acceptance is key, even if it means having to let go of those who were once so important to you.
What I thought a couple of years ago when I first learned about fate was that everything in my life was predetermined. God had a plan for me, before I even came into existence in this world. Everything that happened in my life, from the near death occurrences to the moments of strife, down to the instances that happiness swayed my way, no matter what happenings happened, I thought it was all a part of the final outcome of His master plan. All the missed opportunities and the failures and everyone that walked into my life and everyone that walked out, it was all a scheme devised by Him.
You see, I was divulged in the mind set that every thought of mine and every notion I had, there was a reason for. And that may very well still be true. But the difference between my idea of fate then, and my idea of fate now, is that you can’t just sit back and let fate run your life.
For a long while I just sat there, taking opportunities that looked pleasant and passing up opportunities that seemed too difficult. I walked the streets indulged with the idea that if things were meant to be, they would eventually happen and the things that happened didn’t need my interference because well.. it was all ultimately up to fate.
But after a while I grew very uncomfortable and discontent with where my life was heading. And where was it heading? Nowhere. Nowhere because I had lost all sense of direction and I was no longer leading it anywhere. It was just a perpetual cycle and it’s consistency was filled with repetitiveness and interminable events. I started questioning Him and my doubts started to kick in, and then I was lost.
I’m still recovering from my dilemma with fate and what I thought it was. It was a set back in my life because, I think, if I hadn’t thought that way I’d be better off. But then again, my idea of fate now is well suitable with the situation I’m currently in. Things do happen for a reason, and that reason relies greatly upon me.
Apart of the reason my reluctance to share my thoughts with people is so stern is due to the fact that some of the things that cross my mind create problems for my feelings, and those problems have solutions which I’m already aware of, it’s just that in the moment I fail to realize them. With that being said, those problematic thoughts are only temporary. They exist only as problems for a short period of time; until I reanalyze everything and find that i’m being irrational.
People tend to see me in a different light without understanding that in those moments I tend to conduct myself in an unreasonable manner, but that unreasonable manner can and will be corrected by myself. All I need is time for my logic to catch up with my thoughts and I’ll get out of the hole I dug myself into, by myself.
I just find it to be better if I kept most of my thoughts private, because I know I can think of solutions and/or the rationality behind them, so why confide to people about things that I’m perfectly capable of handling myself?
